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Give Myself

26/11/2009 - Please Forgive Me

“Mama Bao, Mama Bao (Mummy, hold me)!”, you kept wailing, your voice thin with anxiety and your eyes watered. For a moment, I wanted to pick you up, to wipe the worries from your little face. But I couldn’t. Sorry, my dear, I simply couldn’t. The only reason you refused to stand on your own feet is that you were scared. But you had to conquer your fear.

 

"Mummy won’t hold you. Come after me, dear, you are a little boy now, you know you can do it." I said, trying to sound cheerful and inject some soothing forces into my voice. But you still felt uneasy about this unfamiliar place, and you started to shriek in protest at not getting what you had asked for. “Mummy is leaving now. Come on.” I took my heart to leave you behind. I could hear you crying behind. I couldn’t look back because I knew if I turned around I would forget everything and scooped you up.

 

Turning a corner, I stopped and hided behind the pillar. For a while, you seemed to be frozen there, not knowing what to do. From the distance, I could plainly saw your frustration, your bewilderment and fear. “Yao ban, yao ban (I’ll fall).”you jabbered desperately, the words wavering as if I heard them through an imperfect sound system. I stepped behind from the pillar, and opened my arms to you. Once you found me, you toddled forward and plunged into my arms.

 

You had a very disturbing night. Troubled by nightmares, you still wailed in your dreams: “Mama Bao, Mama Bao.” You nestled closer, trying to find assurance from my body.  My dear, I don’t want to push you too hard. Truthfully, I have no ambitions for you, standard, yes, but not ambitions. All I want is you to be happy and healthy. To achieve that, you have to be brave. If you lost courage to explore the world, you would spend your entire life in a self-made prison----and you would loose many opportunities to actually live your life. Mummy just want you to pluck up your courage and face your own fear. Don't be afraid of falling down. It might hurt, but it will help you to learn run.
 
Please forgive me, if I were too harsh on you.

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